"CAN'T HURT ME"

He caught my eyes in the rearview mirror.

“You got something to say?!”

“We shouldn’t have gone to the track anyway,” I said.

My brother turned and stared at me like I’d lost my damn mind. My mother squirmed in her seat.

“Say that one more time.” His words came slow, dripping with dread. I didn’tsay a word, so he started reaching behind the seat trying to smack me. But I wasso small, it was easy to hide. The car veered left and right as he was half-turned in my direction, punching air. He’d barely touched me, which only stoked his fire. We drove in silence until he caught his breath. “When we get home, you’regonna take your clothes off,” he said.

That’s what he’d say when he was ready to bestow a serious beat down, and there was no avoiding it. I did what I was told. I went into my bedroom and took off my clothes, walked down the hall to his room, closed the door behind me,turned the lights off, then laid across the corner of the bed with my legs dangling, my torso stretched out in front of me, and my ass exposed. That wasthe protocol, and he’d designed it for maximum psychological and physical pain.

The beatings were often brutal, but the anticipation was the worst part. I couldn’tsee the door behind me, and he’d take his time, letting my dread build. When I Heard him open the door, my panic spiked. Even then the room was so dark Icouldn’t see much with my peripheral vision, and couldn’t prepare for the first smack until his belt hit my skin. It was never just two or three lickings either.There was no particular count, so we never knew when or if he was gonna stop.

This beating lasted minutes upon minutes. He started on my butt, but the sting was so bad I blocked it with my hands, so he moved down and started whipping my thighs. When I dropped my hands to my thighs he swung at my lower back.He belted me dozens of times, and was breathless, coughing and slick with sweat by the time it was over. I was breathing heavy too, but I wasn’t crying. His evil was too real and my hate gave me courage. I refused to give that motherfucker the satisfaction. I just stood up, looked the Devil in his eye, limped to my room,and stood in front of a mirror. I was covered in welts from my neck to the crease at the knees. I didn’t go to school for several days.

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